5 Minutes

5 Minute Stream of Consciousness.
By Pandora


7:38 He called about the older friend, Richie, who sleeps through every afternoon. I immediately thought of differential diagnoses. Depression. Insomnia. Alcoholism exacerbating either. Lewey Body dementia. Vascular compromise. Metabolic dysfunction. Testosterone, thyroid, sugar. Silence on the other end of the phone. But we always medical problem-solve. This wasn’t the time for it. I can’t believe that was my first reaction. What the hell? What am I becoming? I thought I cared about compassion first, about people first. Perhaps not. I hate this system. Damn education. Damning education. Does knowledge free us or kill us? Two hawks soared, red breasted with talons down, over the park bench today. The sun was still bright enough in the late afternoon that it convinced me to close my eyes and take some deep breaths. There was humanity there, freedom there. Maybe I exaggerate what medical school demands. Maybe I like to buy into the intensity just as much as the point-mongers who have cared about grades since kindergarten. God, I hope not. I love other things too. But obviously I don’t love Richie enough. Fucking guilt complexes. Fingers run through hair and pull because self-destruction sometimes feels exactly right. 7:43


7:48 She’s sipping tea and he’s tapping a shaky hand against his knee. Side-by-side, looking ahead at a crime scene show. They’ve seen it already. She remembers and he doesn’t. He raises an eyebrow at her and she puts down her tea to make some for him. There’s a special cup, the travel mug stained black around the bottom from so many trips in the homemade car holder. The old blue Suzuki wailed down those dirt paths. Now the antelope are only in pictures hung on the walls, the elephants live in the cross-stitch pattern over the doorway. The investigators on television are yelling, the music is intense. Tap Tap Tap, Sip Sip Sip. A chuckle here and a groan there. What is it we’re trying to figure out again? He created and invented and fixed everything – flip-flops to faucets to exercise machine that hangs on the wall. He can figure things out. He could. She organizes. Everything. Saves things. Hangs on. What is she hanging on to tonight. Tap Tap Tap. Sip Sip Sip. Sigh. Eyelids are heavier, foreheads nod. 7:53